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These are some comments on the essay that need to be fixed:
Avoid grandiose and
These are some comments on the essay that need to be fixed:
Avoid grandiose and bloviated claims as slippery-slope fallacies can destroy an otherwise reasonable point in exaggeration. Be clear and direct and use statistics and detailed assessment rather than broad, spectacular claims.
Integrate statistics into your paper in lieu of assumptions and generalizations to show observable and quantifiable data to support what people think or believe. This will also likely require researching detailed sources to support the idea the assumption is based on. Clear facts, however, should be stated as such without ‘everyone knows…’ or similar prefacing.
https://www.aresearchguide.com/writing-with-statistics.html
Make sure you keep your sentences active. Avoid beginning sentences with -ing verbs.
https://owl.purdue.edu/owl/general_writing/academic_writing/active_and_passive_voice/changing_passive_to_active_voice.html
Avoid unnecessarily complex terminology or sentences with ‘bulky’ or ‘flowery’ words that could be stated more clearly with simpler, more accessible language.
Avoid overwriting and bloviating throughout the essay. You want your sentences to be clear, concise, and efficient. You need to use clear, demonstrative language that delivers information in a straightforward (and somewhat sterile manner) Entertaining or engaging the reader is not a thing in an academic essay. https://researchinsiders.blog/2015/06/12/10-tips-for-more-concise-writing/
Your introduction can use more focus. The idea presented in the introduction should be an overview, but your explication does not need to be spare, and the introduction itself does not need to feel like an info-dump. If you have background information, you can put this in a paragraph after the introduction, but still make sure you present all the details necessary to understand your overall point, even if the information comes after the thesis. Eliminate broad, hollow statements and replace them with more direct representations of the same idea that reflect academic thought and assessment. Find out exactly how much airbrushing is used and where and when instead of making broad sweeping statements that are unvalidated with statistics. In the end, statements of fact work much better academically that loose ‘observations’ and general criticisms that beg for confirmation bias. If you sound like an old head complain, it is probably not an academically sound argument–but a similar argument supported by research and logic might very well exist and can be found with some effort.
https://writingcenter.unc.edu /tips-and-tools/introductions/
(Keep in mind that the last suggestion of a thought-provoking question is both cheesy and illogical. Do not ask the reader questions as, logically, the reader is unable to answer, and you as the writer are unable to accommodate answers you did not expect.)
Avoid clichés and conversational overtones. You need to use clear, demonstrative language that delivers information in a straightforward (and somewhat sterile manner) Entertaining or engaging the reader is not a thing in an academic essay.
https://www.antioch.edu/wp-content/uploads/2018/06/Academic-Tone-for-Formal-Writing.pdf
Overall, you do a good job here. Make sure to pay attention to the above-mentioned points to create consistency in the essay.
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